When in the last few days have you heard yourself or someone else saying, I need to, I have to, I should, I must?  When you really look at these expressions, what feelings do they conjure? For me, they all suggest an internal or external pressure that I need to live up to or else. Bottomline, they make me feel anxious. 

The belief that doing = success is a common one. In 21st century western society, expectations from family, education and popular culture are thrust upon us. There is an accepted cultural narrative that loyalty to the grind inevitably leads to the good things in life.

But what if the good things in life aren’t in the chase, what if they come from within? This blog deals with the conundrum of doing too much and being too little.

Reflection:- How much pressure did you feel in school to do well in exams, earn a well paid job, do activities that support your CV? Or conversely, pressure to rebel, do anything but ‘learn’? What about doing things to fit in like going out on a weekend when you just want to stay in? How often do you do things for comfort like scrolling through your social media feed instead of just sitting and breathing or, do things out of fear like judge a stranger rather than connect with them? Or more, do things because you were told that’s the way it is?

Yet filling our days and lives with unconscious acting is a bit like climbing mountains you never really want to climb. You get to the top and it’s not what you imagined. 

Some studies have found that 95% of our mind works unconsciously. This means that a lot of our behaviours arise from deeply ingrained patterns. In my own life, I learned early on that doing equalled a certain kind of success and recognition, so I climbed metaphorical mountains I never really wanted to climb. I never thought to ask: Why the heck am I doing what I am doing? 

But eventually, when all the doing caught up with me at university, from sports injuries to feeling unfulfilled, I realised something was amiss. From the outside I had it all. On the inside I felt like I was winging it. I wasn’t unhappy, but I wasn’t at peace either. I was chasing other peoples’ dreams but not my own. 

This was the start of a gradual and empowering realisation. You can do as much and try as hard as you see necessary, but if it doesn’t resonate with your deepest self, you’ll struggle to feel fulfilled and content. In the end it doesn’t matter about anyone else. You need to be at peace whatever way the wind blows, for your own wellbeing and for the wellbeing of those around you. 

Need I add fuel to the fire? I will anyway. Representation amongst leaders, managers and decision makers as well as mass media outlets isn’t entirely diverse. Market Inspector highlights that 9.7% of top jobs in the FTSE 100 are taken by women. If you do not fit in, like being working class, a minority gender or experiencing mental health issues to name a few, you will probably compensate by doing more to fit in, or doing more to rebel. 

So where is all this going?

Doing is leading to burnout

 

Here are some statistics:

• A YouGov poll in 2018 found that 74% of respondents felt unbearable levels of stress within the last year. 
• Forth also ran a study in 2018 that found 39% of adults experience overwhelming amounts of stress on a daily basis. 
• Yougov (2018) suggested causes include work, health of family and themselves, finance, technology and body image (particularly amongst women). 
• Furthermore, younger people were found to experience significant stress in relation to the demands of succeeding (over half of 18-24 year olds), as well as in comparing themselves with others (just under half of 18-24 year olds). 

If each of us is a glorious flame, whose roles are to spread a little bit of light to those around us, each light that goes out means a few more people are having to make their way in the dark. 

So what’s the alternative to doing?

If we keep on doing without grounding ourselves in why, many of us will continue to climb the wrong mountains, chasing the wrong views. So here’s a relatively new (or ancient), way of looking at it, depending on where you draw your learning from.

All that you do stems from being. 

In other words, life is about becoming and revealing more of yourself, your purpose, skills and unlimitless energy, a journey within so that you can spread this fire to light the way for others. Rather than chasing external gains in the hopes they will fulfill your needs, your braving your unconscious, understanding it more, being more authentic. 

Before this sounds too wishy washy, there is growing evidence to practice based support for this perspective. In 2008 the government funded a project looking at mental capital, charities like the Bridge are looking through a holistic lense at mental wellbeing and more educational establishments are emphasising concepts like growth mindset, grit and the impact of the wider world on students.

It’s also quite intuitive. Think of the times you feel most connected to friends. You are probably spontaneous and in the moment, so in sync it’s like you’re in each others heads. Or when time stops and you’re in flow. When you are focussing on something so intensely that you lose all sense of ‘having to do’. 

Cultivating a sense of Being

The fight to the top, to the front, to the next thing is done. If we can learn to be, then doing will exude naturally. Here are my top strategies for cultivating a sense of being.

MC’s Triad of Well-BEING

Number One: Exploring your purpose through journaling

Here are a few questions for starters:-

• What’s your life philosophy?
• What is your life vision?
• What are your top 3-5 values?
• What are your strengths and areas for improvement?
• Do you have long term, medium term and short term goals?
• What qualities inspire you in people you admire?

Knowing who you are and what you stand for will help you prioritise what is important in life. Take 10-20 minutes daily to write down your thoughts. There are various techniques. One method is to use guiding questions like the above. Another is to simply write and see what comes up and how it makes you feel. Or, write down daily intentions related to your values or your goals and review them in the evening. 

Whichever way you choose, there’s a good chance it will open up a whole new wonderful inner world. Unsure whether to take on that extra volunteering role? Does it really best serve your philosophy and vision? Unsure whether to try a new sports class next week? Does it fit with your value of being courageous? Then you are probably more likely to rise above the negative self talk and attend.

I’m not saying these questions are easy. I could write a blog just on journalling and purpose! The above questions took me a year of reflection, and this journey will not stop. But, from personal experience, defining what’s important to me has given me the structure, confidence and clarity that was lacking when I felt like I was winging it in university.  

Number 2 – Self reflection & Mindfulness

How often are you totally present? How often do you sit with your breath and really observe what is passing through your mind and body?

If we are too busy in our heads, thinking and talking about the past or the future, are we ever really experiencing the entirety of now just as it is? 

Connecting with what you are feeling and what you are thinking from a distance has been one of the most valuable practices I’ve put into my daily life. I can check in with my purpose and values, it helps me regulate my emotions so I am less reactive to difficult situations, and it requires me to slow down, something I’m not known for! 

Number 3 – Living with Self Compassion 

By self-compassion I mean love and kindness towards the self. And no, this doesn’t mean buying yourself a teddy-bear and chocolates on valentines day. It means respecting yourself, loving yourself and making time for yourself.

A lot of areas make up self-compassion but for me, the basics focus on creating positive daily routines and habits that energise and empower you. These are:

Again, I could write a blog on each of these aspects of self-compassion. But from personal experience, the more routine each of the above has become, the more peaceful and fulfilled I feel. And it’s not about changing everything all of a sudden. I place emphasis on different aspects of self-compassion at different times. Right now, I’m going through a transition, so mindfulness and journaling are very important to me. I know some of the others will become priorities in due course.

Finally I’d recommend that all this be done with the love and support of others. If you’re looking for any recommendations and tips on working through the above triad, I can thoroughly recommend an array of writers, psychologists and other expert thinkers who’ve challenged me to learn and grow. 

So what next? 

If you are still reading then thank you! This is a mammoth post and I hope, a thought-provoking one too.

You also might be thinking the above seems like a lot of work. But it isn’t. It’s a way of life. If you’re like me and your automatic reaction to this post is to start implementing, writing and planning, stop. Sit for a minute, identify the parts that make you feel something. If a paragraph resonates, chances are something is making you connect with it. Moreover, there are plenty of like-minded people keen to support you on your journey, getting involved with Intuitive Design Sessions is an incredible place for that support! 

Ultimately, there’s a decision to be made. Doing more or being more? Choose doing and overtime you might miss some big opportunities. More still, at the end of your life, you might realise you missed out on the most important things of all, like being with the people you love and enjoying the incredible miracle of being alive.

Key Takeaways 

• Doing too much is common in modern life but it can lead to excessive levels of stress
• Cultivating a sense of Being can challenge this if you recognise you have a tendency to be in constant doing mode. 
• Cultivating a sense of being can be done through exploring your purpose, self-reflection practices and self-compassion
• The journey lasts a lifetime, but it’s so empowering and the people (including yourself) you will come to know throughout are so energising, you will never look back!

About the Author

 

I’m called Mari-Claire, but you can call me MC for short! Having just returned from PE teaching in Sweden, I’m returning to university to study for a masters in Psychology. I love being active and going on adventures, if I’m not up a mountain, I’m usually at the gym. 

My philosophy in life is Big Heart, Big questions, Big life. In other words, I believe that connecting with people, being curious and having the courage to challenge myself mentally and physically lights a huge fire within me and ensures I feel fulfilled. My mission is to support people in finding their own fire through holistic wellbeing.

You can find the link to my own blog by following me on Instagram at mc_squared15.