We all love to help, helping is a basic human need releasing all of the feel good hormones into our body and environment around us. We build strong relationships and feel a sense of connection that cannot be mimicked by technology. Yet, after all of the giving we still feel slightly empty if not burnt- out and at times disheartened.

A brief history

If we think about when we were young and how we learned to receive positive feedback from the adults in our lives we can begin to understand that our brain is wired to put out an action or gesture in return for a response. We are told if our behaviour is good or bad through a signal displayed in communication that matches our level of comprehension. Following our actions we are provided with a consequence or reward. Rewards release Oxycontin and Serotonin making us feel loved, safe and happy whereas the ugly sister consequence releases Adrenaline and Cortisol making us feel angry, sad and upset as a result of feeling unloved and not wanted.

The playground

As we grow older we don’t receive as much consistency in the feedback as we expand our physical boundaries. A gift of a worm to your adventurous friend in the playground will result in a very different response than if you presented the same worm to your teacher. We then move to the trial and error stage in life where we test out behaviours, actions and gestures with those around us to find out who likes what and at this stage- how much we can get away with!

We attract and gravitate towards people our age who like the same things we do, the same time as experimenting the wider world around us. Our stable relationships predominantly belong with the adults in our lives and we begin to recognise what behaviours belong in certain environments and what is accepted depending on the company we find ourselves in.

The messy bit

Then comes the more difficult stage – stepping into the world as a teenager and everything changes. All that you have learned and adopted during childhood is turned on its head…prime example below;

Up until this stage reading in your spare time, with your parents, teacher and in front of the class was a welcomed and rewarding activity. Dipping your toe in English at high school you quickly learn admitting to reading, reading with your parents or confidently stepping up to read in front of the class is a preposterous act worthy of ridicule and mockery – leaving you feeling incredibly uncomfortable, embarrassed and confused.

We have now made the shift from survival in our close knit family unit to survival in the wider tribe outside of what we are familiar with. All we now care about is fitting in to survive in the new tribe (with tribe leaders our age) where the rules are bent, lines are blurred and adults are not in charge! Sounds like a dream; lots of freedom, new experiences and a likely-hood of lots of risk and reward – exactly what our juvenile prefrontal cortex craves! This is a time of real instability for teenagers as their friends are not always loyal, sometimes leave them out and there are no consequence if the ‘social code’ is broken. They then come home to loyal parents, are begged to join in at the dinner table, family events and face consistent consequences. Living the double life creates much confusion as teenagers crave the same love, acceptance and identity as they did as a child but their peers alone cannot meet their emotional needs.

Acceptance

For a teenager survival in the form of group identity, belonging and acceptance to the new tribe becomes the highest priority. Behaviours favoured during childhood and accepted by the family unit no longer serve a purpose for this new identity. This mismatch creates an imbalance in expectations, close bonds and values. When the teenager no longer wishes to please the adults in their life they persist to please their peers first. On the other hand, those who continue to please their parents and other adults can struggle to integrate themselves into new and unfamiliar social situations and seek the approval of others before trying something new. We all fall on the scale somewhere and continue to slide up and down in order to please those around us as we go through life.

And finally we move to adolescence. We leave high school, have decided upon a decent group of friends and work out that our parents weren’t as bad after all! THE END….

Think Again!

We’re merely the beginning and the beginning was not our younger years, the beginning starts when you become the adult, when you assume responsibility and you notice that you have to look after yourself and others around you.

Growing up

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Growing up was the easy part, adults took care of us, stood by us as we craved to be liked by people they didn’t and were there to pick us up when we realised our mistakes. Many 20 somethings have a quarterly life crisis when they leave the safety of the home/uni life to take up employment as they realise it’s not to dissimilar to the play ground. We find people to hang out with, learn who to steer clear of and who likes worms and who doesn’t!

What we fail to realise is that we are no longer children. Our beginner experience of this ‘disease to please’ started in a safe, structured and relatively fair environment. Now we are playing the game on adult expert level where the goals get moved and the rules are fixed to suit certain people… A smile to a colleague doesn’t always result in one back, a good deed to someone you care about goes unnoticed and you feel let down.

At no point in your life has anyone told you that if you strive to please it only works in an environment where all of the adults play by the same rules and reward and consequence are prescribed on fair terms. Usually the adults who have not experienced safe and fair environments growing up and were not prescribed adequate consequences struggle to see that they have a DISEASE TO BE PLEASED!

Givers V Takers

As discussed by Oprah and Dr Phil in her SuperSoul Podcast there are ‘givers and takers’ in life and we have a responsibility to create boundaries for both. If you find yourself giving all of the time (you tell yourself you don’t mind) but you don’t have time for yourself and a specific area of your health is neglected… and if this is you – you will know. How…well you will have received a form of denial from the voice in your head, heart rate increase or a strange feeling in your gut reading the lines above. You know yourself if you give to others to avoid giving yourself the love and care you deserve. You deserve it, you just don’t believe that you deserve it, you feel guilty when you treat yourself and then you over compensate by sacrificing the things that matter to you to ‘help’ others. I call BS! You cannot give from an empty cup, you cannot fully help others when you need the help yourself. I get to call Bullshit on this because this is/was me on the daily!

If on the other had you like to take, always feel like you deserve to have the best and have high expectations of everyone around you and are quick to judge…have a word. Not with yourself, but with those around you. Instead of asking them what can they do for you, ask what can you do for them. You will have surrounded yourself with givers in order to protect yourself from feeling unwanted. Its now time, its time to give back, put your guard down, and get vulnerable. Its time for YOU to meet your own basic needs not for other people to do that for you – simple things like; feed yourself, buy the essentials and look after your health instead of relying on others to do it for you as they try to look after themselves too!

Level up

Many of us have created our identity around helping others, but in all honesty (me included) how happy would we be without all off that busyness? This is exactly why I am writing this piece as I have come to realise that we will find greater satisfaction in following our own passions, loving who we are and giving some time to ourselves to fill back up in order to give with healthy energy. I found that this mindset tool highlighted my most common behaviours and showed how I managed my energy in order to please those around me. Those who strive for perfection and have a desire to be busy – this will provide very accurate feedback for you in a practical sense. Here’s Briony the founder of Untapped and creator of the quiz above delving into her people pleasing demons;

“I knew to truly level up I had to let go of the PEOPLE PLEASING BS that I had allowed to hold me back for years. I was so worried that I would come across as a “ruthless bitch” but I knew it was time to expand.”

Briony McKenzie – Untapped

Healthy Giving

Basic human needs are met when we work together, have a joint agreement of terms and we do not work on a points system of one good deed deserves another. Helping another human who is in need should come from a genuine place without need for reward or recognition.

Striving for pure generosity without abuse of power, positive well-being as a result of giving not as an after thought, and unconditional love and respect rather than conditional relationships can be achieved through one method and one method only and that is in the form of role modelling. The famous Gandhi quote; “be the change you want to see in the world”, is more profound than ever as we take on the challenges life throws at us with kindness and behaviour that we hope is a shining example for young people as they too come across adversity.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Mahatama Gandhi

World leaders will change, governments will move but communities and those who set the most influential examples are closest to home. Be the change you want to see in YOUR world and remember that the disease to please will leave us feeling empty if we try to please everyone!

If you would like to find out more about Personal Leadership for positive change there are a number of ways to get in touch. I have also created a Starter Session for you to take stock of your own health and well-being. If would like to join in the discussions/ contribute to our next event or have a look at what I do through Intuitive Design Sessions check out my Facebook page or Instagram for more! Thank you once again for taking the time to read and join the community.

Lead On,

Hayley