Personal Development | Intuitive Design Sessions

The Disease to Please

Posted on February 18, 2020 by chasingthesuneast

We all love to help, helping is a basic human need releasing all of the feel good hormones into our body and environment around us. We build strong relationships and feel a sense of connection that cannot be mimicked by technology. Yet, after all of the giving we still feel slightly empty if not burnt- out and at times disheartened.

A brief history

If we think about when we were young and how we learned to receive positive feedback from the adults in our lives we can begin to understand that our brain is wired to put out an action or gesture in return for a response. We are told if our behaviour is good or bad through a signal displayed in communication that matches our level of comprehension. Following our actions we are provided with a consequence or reward. Rewards release Oxycontin and Serotonin making us feel loved, safe and happy whereas the ugly sister consequence releases Adrenaline and Cortisol making us feel angry, sad and upset as a result of feeling unloved and not wanted.

The playground

As we grow older we don’t receive as much consistency in the feedback as we expand our physical boundaries. A gift of a worm to your adventurous friend in the playground will result in a very different response than if you presented the same worm to your teacher. We then move to the trial and error stage in life where we test out behaviours, actions and gestures with those around us to find out who likes what and at this stage- how much we can get away with!

We attract and gravitate towards people our age who like the same things we do, the same time as experimenting the wider world around us. Our stable relationships predominantly belong with the adults in our lives and we begin to recognise what behaviours belong in certain environments and what is accepted depending on the company we find ourselves in.

The messy bit

Then comes the more difficult stage – stepping into the world as a teenager and everything changes. All that you have learned and adopted during childhood is turned on its head…prime example below;

Up until this stage reading in your spare time, with your parents, teacher and in front of the class was a welcomed and rewarding activity. Dipping your toe in English at high school you quickly learn admitting to reading, reading with your parents or confidently stepping up to read in front of the class is a preposterous act worthy of ridicule and mockery – leaving you feeling incredibly uncomfortable, embarrassed and confused.

We have now made the shift from survival in our close knit family unit to survival in the wider tribe outside of what we are familiar with. All we now care about is fitting in to survive in the new tribe (with tribe leaders our age) where the rules are bent, lines are blurred and adults are not in charge! Sounds like a dream; lots of freedom, new experiences and a likely-hood of lots of risk and reward – exactly what our juvenile prefrontal cortex craves! This is a time of real instability for teenagers as their friends are not always loyal, sometimes leave them out and there are no consequence if the ‘social code’ is broken. They then come home to loyal parents, are begged to join in at the dinner table, family events and face consistent consequences. Living the double life creates much confusion as teenagers crave the same love, acceptance and identity as they did as a child but their peers alone cannot meet their emotional needs.

Acceptance

For a teenager survival in the form of group identity, belonging and acceptance to the new tribe becomes the highest priority. Behaviours favoured during childhood and accepted by the family unit no longer serve a purpose for this new identity. This mismatch creates an imbalance in expectations, close bonds and values. When the teenager no longer wishes to please the adults in their life they persist to please their peers first. On the other hand, those who continue to please their parents and other adults can struggle to integrate themselves into new and unfamiliar social situations and seek the approval of others before trying something new. We all fall on the scale somewhere and continue to slide up and down in order to please those around us as we go through life.

And finally we move to adolescence. We leave high school, have decided upon a decent group of friends and work out that our parents weren’t as bad after all! THE END….

Think Again!

We’re merely the beginning and the beginning was not our younger years, the beginning starts when you become the adult, when you assume responsibility and you notice that you have to look after yourself and others around you.

Growing up

Growing up was the easy part, adults took care of us, stood by us as we craved to be liked by people they didn’t and were there to pick us up when we realised our mistakes. Many 20 somethings have a quarterly life crisis when they leave the safety of the home/uni life to take up employment as they realise it’s not to dissimilar to the play ground. We find people to hang out with, learn who to steer clear of and who likes worms and who doesn’t!

What we fail to realise is that we are no longer children. Our beginner experience of this ‘disease to please’ started in a safe, structured and relatively fair environment. Now we are playing the game on adult expert level where the goals get moved and the rules are fixed to suit certain people… A smile to a colleague doesn’t always result in one back, a good deed to someone you care about goes unnoticed and you feel let down.

At no point in your life has anyone told you that if you strive to please it only works in an environment where all of the adults play by the same rules and reward and consequence are prescribed on fair terms. Usually the adults who have not experienced safe and fair environments growing up and were not prescribed adequate consequences struggle to see that they have a DISEASE TO BE PLEASED!

Givers V Takers

As discussed by Oprah and Dr Phil in her SuperSoul Podcast there are ‘givers and takers’ in life and we have a responsibility to create boundaries for both. If you find yourself giving all of the time (you tell yourself you don’t mind) but you don’t have time for yourself and a specific area of your health is neglected… and if this is you – you will know. How…well you will have received a form of denial from the voice in your head, heart rate increase or a strange feeling in your gut reading the lines above. You know yourself if you give to others to avoid giving yourself the love and care you deserve. You deserve it, you just don’t believe that you deserve it, you feel guilty when you treat yourself and then you over compensate by sacrificing the things that matter to you to ‘help’ others. I call BS! You cannot give from an empty cup, you cannot fully help others when you need the help yourself. I get to call Bullshit on this because this is/was me on the daily!

If on the other had you like to take, always feel like you deserve to have the best and have high expectations of everyone around you and are quick to judge…have a word. Not with yourself, but with those around you. Instead of asking them what can they do for you, ask what can you do for them. You will have surrounded yourself with givers in order to protect yourself from feeling unwanted. Its now time, its time to give back, put your guard down, and get vulnerable. Its time for YOU to meet your own basic needs not for other people to do that for you – simple things like; feed yourself, buy the essentials and look after your health instead of relying on others to do it for you as they try to look after themselves too!

Level up

Many of us have created our identity around helping others, but in all honesty (me included) how happy would we be without all off that busyness? This is exactly why I am writing this piece as I have come to realise that we will find greater satisfaction in following our own passions, loving who we are and giving some time to ourselves to fill back up in order to give with healthy energy. I found that this mindset tool highlighted my most common behaviours and showed how I managed my energy in order to please those around me. Those who strive for perfection and have a desire to be busy – this will provide very accurate feedback for you in a practical sense. Here’s Briony the founder of Untapped and creator of the quiz above delving into her people pleasing demons;

“I knew to truly level up I had to let go of the PEOPLE PLEASING BS that I had allowed to hold me back for years. I was so worried that I would come across as a “ruthless bitch” but I knew it was time to expand.”
Briony McKenzie – Untapped

Healthy Giving

Basic human needs are met when we work together, have a joint agreement of terms and we do not work on a points system of one good deed deserves another. Helping another human who is in need should come from a genuine place without need for reward or recognition.

Striving for pure generosity without abuse of power, positive well-being as a result of giving not as an after thought, and unconditional love and respect rather than conditional relationships can be achieved through one method and one method only and that is in the form of role modelling. The famous Gandhi quote; “be the change you want to see in the world”, is more profound than ever as we take on the challenges life throws at us with kindness and behaviour that we hope is a shining example for young people as they too come across adversity.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
Mahatama Gandhi

World leaders will change, governments will move but communities and those who set the most influential examples are closest to home. Be the change you want to see in YOUR world and remember that the disease to please will leave us feeling empty if we try to please everyone!

If you would like to find out more about Personal Leadership for positive change there are a number of ways to get in touch. I have also created a Starter Session for you to take stock of your own health and well-being. If would like to join in the discussions/ contribute to our next event or have a look at what I do through Intuitive Design Sessions check out my Facebook page or Instagram for more! Thank you once again for taking the time to read and join the community.

Lead On,

Hayley

Doing Vs Being

Posted on October 22, 2019 by chasingthesuneast

When in the last few days have you heard yourself or someone else saying, I need to, I have to, I should, I must? When you really look at these expressions, what feelings do they conjure? For me, they all suggest an internal or external pressure that I need to live up to or else. Bottomline, they make me feel anxious.

The belief that doing = success is a common one. In 21st century western society, expectations from family, education and popular culture are thrust upon us. There is an accepted cultural narrative that loyalty to the grind inevitably leads to the good things in life.

But what if the good things in life aren’t in the chase, what if they come from within? This blog deals with the conundrum of doing too much and being too little.

_We were fine originally and lost that fine-ness. That's when we became defined._

Reflection:- How much pressure did you feel in school to do well in exams, earn a well paid job, do activities that support your CV? Or conversely, pressure to rebel, do anything but ‘learn’? What about doing things to fit in like going out on a weekend when you just want to stay in? How often do you do things for comfort like scrolling through your social media feed instead of just sitting and breathing or, do things out of fear like judge a stranger rather than connect with them? Or more, do things because you were told that’s the way it is?

Yet filling our days and lives with unconscious acting is a bit like climbing mountains you never really want to climb. You get to the top and it’s not what you imagined.

Some studies have found that 95% of our mind works unconsciously. This means that a lot of our behaviours arise from deeply ingrained patterns. In my own life, I learned early on that doing equalled a certain kind of success and recognition, so I climbed metaphorical mountains I never really wanted to climb. I never thought to ask: Why the heck am I doing what I am doing?

But eventually, when all the doing caught up with me at university, from sports injuries to feeling unfulfilled, I realised something was amiss. From the outside I had it all. On the inside I felt like I was winging it. I wasn’t unhappy, but I wasn’t at peace either. I was chasing other peoples’ dreams but not my own.

This was the start of a gradual and empowering realisation. You can do as much and try as hard as you see necessary, but if it doesn’t resonate with your deepest self, you’ll struggle to feel fulfilled and content. In the end it doesn’t matter about anyone else. You need to be at peace whatever way the wind blows, for your own wellbeing and for the wellbeing of those around you.

Need I add fuel to the fire? I will anyway. Representation amongst leaders, managers and decision makers as well as mass media outlets isn’t entirely diverse. Market Inspector highlights that 9.7% of top jobs in the FTSE 100 are taken by women. If you do not fit in, like being working class, a minority gender or experiencing mental health issues to name a few, you will probably compensate by doing more to fit in, or doing more to rebel.

So where is all this going?

Doing is leading to burnout

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Here are some statistics:

A YouGov poll in 2018 found that 74% of respondents felt unbearable levels of stress within the last year.
Forth also ran a study in 2018 that found 39% of adults experience overwhelming amounts of stress on a daily basis.
Yougov (2018) suggested causes include work, health of family and themselves, finance, technology and body image (particularly amongst women).
Furthermore, younger people were found to experience significant stress in relation to the demands of succeeding (over half of 18-24 year olds), as well as in comparing themselves with others (just under half of 18-24 year olds).

If each of us is a glorious flame, whose roles are to spread a little bit of light to those around us, each light that goes out means a few more people are having to make their way in the dark.

So what’s the alternative to doing?

If we keep on doing without grounding ourselves in why, many of us will continue to climb the wrong mountains, chasing the wrong views. So here’s a relatively new (or ancient), way of looking at it, depending on where you draw your learning from.

All that you do stems from being.

In other words, life is about becoming and revealing more of yourself, your purpose, skills and unlimitless energy, a journey within so that you can spread this fire to light the way for others. Rather than chasing external gains in the hopes they will fulfill your needs, your braving your unconscious, understanding it more, being more authentic.

Before this sounds too wishy washy, there is growing evidence to practice based support for this perspective. In 2008 the government funded a project looking at mental capital, charities like the Bridge are looking through a holistic lense at mental wellbeing and more educational establishments are emphasising concepts like growth mindset, grit and the impact of the wider world on students.

It’s also quite intuitive. Think of the times you feel most connected to friends. You are probably spontaneous and in the moment, so in sync it’s like you’re in each others heads. Or when time stops and you’re in flow. When you are focussing on something so intensely that you lose all sense of ‘having to do’.

Cultivating a sense of Being

The fight to the top, to the front, to the next thing is done. If we can learn to be, then doing will exude naturally. Here are my top strategies for cultivating a sense of being.

MC’s Triad of Well-BEING

MC's WellBEING Triad

Number One: Exploring your purpose through journaling

Here are a few questions for starters:-

What’s your life philosophy?
What is your life vision?
What are your top 3-5 values?
What are your strengths and areas for improvement?
Do you have long term, medium term and short term goals?
What qualities inspire you in people you admire?

Knowing who you are and what you stand for will help you prioritise what is important in life. Take 10-20 minutes daily to write down your thoughts. There are various techniques. One method is to use guiding questions like the above. Another is to simply write and see what comes up and how it makes you feel. Or, write down daily intentions related to your values or your goals and review them in the evening.

Whichever way you choose, there’s a good chance it will open up a whole new wonderful inner world. Unsure whether to take on that extra volunteering role? Does it really best serve your philosophy and vision? Unsure whether to try a new sports class next week? Does it fit with your value of being courageous? Then you are probably more likely to rise above the negative self talk and attend.

I’m not saying these questions are easy. I could write a blog just on journalling and purpose! The above questions took me a year of reflection, and this journey will not stop. But, from personal experience, defining what’s important to me has given me the structure, confidence and clarity that was lacking when I felt like I was winging it in university.

Number 2 – Self reflection & Mindfulness

How often are you totally present? How often do you sit with your breath and really observe what is passing through your mind and body?

If we are too busy in our heads, thinking and talking about the past or the future, are we ever really experiencing the entirety of now just as it is?

Connecting with what you are feeling and what you are thinking from a distance has been one of the most valuable practices I’ve put into my daily life. I can check in with my purpose and values, it helps me regulate my emotions so I am less reactive to difficult situations, and it requires me to slow down, something I’m not known for!

Number 3 – Living with Self Compassion

By self-compassion I mean love and kindness towards the self. And no, this doesn’t mean buying yourself a teddy-bear and chocolates on valentines day. It means respecting yourself, loving yourself and making time for yourself.

A lot of areas make up self-compassion but for me, the basics focus on creating positive daily routines and habits that energise and empower you. These are:

sleep etc

Again, I could write a blog on each of these aspects of self-compassion. But from personal experience, the more routine each of the above has become, the more peaceful and fulfilled I feel. And it’s not about changing everything all of a sudden. I place emphasis on different aspects of self-compassion at different times. Right now, I’m going through a transition, so mindfulness and journaling are very important to me. I know some of the others will become priorities in due course.

Finally I’d recommend that all this be done with the love and support of others. If you’re looking for any recommendations and tips on working through the above triad, I can thoroughly recommend an array of writers, psychologists and other expert thinkers who’ve challenged me to learn and grow.

So what next?

If you are still reading then thank you! This is a mammoth post and I hope, a thought-provoking one too.

You also might be thinking the above seems like a lot of work. But it isn’t. It’s a way of life. If you’re like me and your automatic reaction to this post is to start implementing, writing and planning, stop. Sit for a minute, identify the parts that make you feel something. If a paragraph resonates, chances are something is making you connect with it. Moreover, there are plenty of like-minded people keen to support you on your journey, getting involved with Intuitive Design Sessions is an incredible place for that support!

Ultimately, there’s a decision to be made. Doing more or being more? Choose doing and overtime you might miss some big opportunities. More still, at the end of your life, you might realise you missed out on the most important things of all, like being with the people you love and enjoying the incredible miracle of being alive.

Key Takeaways

Doing too much is common in modern life but it can lead to excessive levels of stress
Cultivating a sense of Being can challenge this if you recognise you have a tendency to be in constant doing mode.
Cultivating a sense of being can be done through exploring your purpose, self-reflection practices and self-compassion
The journey lasts a lifetime, but it’s so empowering and the people (including yourself) you will come to know throughout are so energising, you will never look back!

About the Author

I’m called Mari-Claire, but you can call me MC for short! Having just returned from PE teaching in Sweden, I’m returning to university to study for a masters in Psychology. I love being active and going on adventures, if I’m not up a mountain, I’m usually at the gym.

My philosophy in life is Big Heart, Big questions, Big life. In other words, I believe that connecting with people, being curious and having the courage to challenge myself mentally and physically lights a huge fire within me and ensures I feel fulfilled. My mission is to support people in finding their own fire through holistic wellbeing.

You can find the link to my own blog by following me on Instagram at mc_squared15.

Tell Me About it…

Posted on April 23, 2019 by chasingthesuneast

adulting

It really has been a while since my last blog post and I can only apologise and say that like many of us I have been caught up – “adulting“. It’s not right that we put our passions on hold to fulfill ‘mundane but necessary tasks‘ but here I am 5 months down the line since my last blog piece!

“Adulting“- a challenging part of getting older. Our responsibilities increase, our time lessens and our ability to see ourselves turning into our parents becomes ever closer.

If only I knew…

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No one tells you at school how to work out your credit score, apply for a mortgage (who knew you spell it with a ‘t’!), how to budget, manage your time or what ISA to put your savings into. Now, having attempted to teach the young minds of today all of the above and more through Leadership – I can say it makes some sense but it’s not until you are actually paying bills yourself, do you appreciate the true value in these lessons.

There is however a place for this type of life management to be passed on during Further Education, work place training and apprenticeship programmes. To anyone out there with the ‘know-how‘ to make it happen- I highly recommend this type of education during the first few years of financial independence for young people. I know many of us would have stepped into adult life much better informed had we gone through scenario based learning based through real-life contexts.

I am writing this shortly after my 29th birthday and feel that there are times when a little education about how best to manage life tasks would have come in handy. It shouldn’t have taken me until now to work out that a Lifetime Cash ISA is a much better savings option than the ‘Help to Buy ISA’ offered by my bank! In case anyone is skeptical (as I would be reading this) I am not doing a PR stunt for cash ISAs – I just think this is important to know, and purely stumbled upon this information through MoneySavingExpert.com.

The expectation of ‘having it all figured out’ culminates at the end of your 20’s and I happen to know a number of people who feel that their shit couldn’t be any less together! You are supposed to know where your career is going, who you should be with and what type of house to buy and plan for retirement.

By the time I get to retirement I want to have enough energy to enjoy it! If we are constantly chasing the next rung on the ladder, the next investment or house complete with white picket fence we will forget to enjoy the little things in life, which give us peace and contentment.

What is Success ?

I cannot say that returning from a round the world trip was easy. Reaching a lifetime goal of travelling meant that I felt that we had to hit fast-forward button once back home. The temptation was strong and overwhelming at times! It is totally unintentional but you cannot help feel that the race is on. You can get caught feeling that success is judged on the number of hours worked and how far up the ladder you reach.

Living in New Zealand meant that success came in the form of; family time, sport & recreation, physical challenge and time to socialise and switch off. When there is very little competition to achieve, move and progress you have more guilt-free time to do the things you enjoy. I now have a conflicting feeling of what truly equates ‘success’ and how to best maintain priorities within a society which values productivity for commercial gain, rater than hours spent with loved ones for mental and emotional gain.

Our mental health is significantly determined by the strength of our relationships and connections. If we as a nation, are to judge our loved ones on their ability to achieve work goals rather than how well they listen to our stories we are setting ourselves up for a rough ride.

Important Connections.

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Working in education with children who are already suffering from a lack of human connection due to parents working all of the hours god gives them, I can see the direct negative impact on young peoples’ well-being. Many of the children I work with long a hug or reassurance from the adults in their lives. They may not get the physical nurture the so gravely seek, but we certainly spend a good amount of time dealing with the emotional and mental repercussions of absent parents.

When we neglect our relationships in favour of work, more money or a promotion, we may starve our loved ones of an area of health that cannot be topped up later in life. We cannot go back and fill up the void caused by the absence. We as humans require a set amount of nurture and presence from our key relationships in order to thrive and become strong and resilient adults.

Do not get caught ‘adulting’ so much that you forget to follow your passions – especially the ones that take you back to your childhood. Indulging in activities which take you back to positive childhood memories releases feel-good hormones into your bloodstream boosting your immune system.

It’s all Linked…

cortisol

When we neglect ourselves of healthy activities we allow cortisol (stress hormone) to pump around our body. As seen in this BBC Article stress and trauma can be passed on through our DNA – explained through what is known as, ‘Epigenetics’. Therefore we must do all that we can to address what health we do have, and question; ‘how do we do that exactly..?’

The part of your health (physical, mental, emotional or social) that fills you with the most fear, makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable…is the one which requires attention now! The most confronting part, is that the answer is usually – “mental or emotional” health.

How do I know this?

I know this based on my experiences- leading sessions with a number of people from a range of backgrounds, and also because the area that scares me most is my stress/anxiety levels when I am busy and acting out of character. I am taking a leap to challenge myself, address at the core what I feel holds me back and share my story with you through – CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

Creating change and a community.

id sess table

I am very passionate about sharing my experience as it may just help one person on their own journey who feels just as fearful – but I’m here to pass it forwards. I hope to answer questions people may have, bust stigma and common misconceptions about help that is out there. I see CBT as a way of strengthening my mind in the same way you would employ a Personal Trainer to improve physical health.

By committing to something that scares you and pushes the comfort zone further you can adult, achieve and define what success means to you regardless of expectation and outside pressure. I am a firm believer in Personal Leadership to better serve those around you- if you truly know yourself. your strengths and more importantly your weaknesses then you will live genuinely and with real purpose.

Thank you once again for taking time to read my words. I am always humbled by the comments and connections made though this blog which is becoming a true source of inspiration in my own life and the lives of others. If you wish to find out more, attend events – join my Community Organisation; ‘Intuitive Design Sessions’ on Facebook or Instagram.

Lead On,

What is your intuition trying to tell you and how to find clarity?

Posted on December 11, 2018 by chasingthesuneast

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“Trust it”, they say.

“Go with your gut”, often heard when making decisions.

This may have paid off for you or those around you but you cannot quite explain why.

I need facts

Surely we cannot go with our gut instincts all of the time – what if they are wrong, what if they don’t pay off or worse you fail!

Good! Failing is what will direct us towards our ultimate goals and away from playing small and safe. Look, I like reassurance as much as the next person but my goodness the fruit you can pick from taking a leap is so very juicy!

I am advocating for allowing yourself some space to listen out for that little niggle, the positive voice promoting opportunity which we say we have no time for. The images you see from your childhood hopes and dreams resurfacing. If left unattended to, those aspirations will work their way to your conscious mind and seek action.

Purpose

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Every individual is born to seek purpose and meaning in their life and work. That is why we have those days when we say to ourselves seriously;

“What the f*** am I actually doing?”

We have a basic need to question our place in society and meaning in our work. When we do a job we truly care about dopamine and serotonin are released to allow us to feel motivated and safe. When we are stressed out and hating work, adrenaline and cortrosol pumps around our body telling us to get out of there!!

Physiologically we can recognise our response to our environment and this process is instinctive. We are instinctive beings and our bodies and minds will remind us with a number of signals what’s going on around us.

Dig deep

Lets talk fear.

Fear is the sole destroyer of relationships, dreams and playing bigger than you thought possible!

Fear is a catalyst for feelings of shame, doubt, insecurity, anxiety, panic and isolation. We are hard wired to avoid fear at all costs and our bodies will do the weirdest things when scared; sweat, cry, faint, rage, burn up, shake, increase heart rate, muscle tension, loss of bowel control!!!

Yes back in the day when we were cave dwelling mammals these responses to fear were useful – not in today’s modern society. These responses do more harm than good and we are witnessing adverse affects showing up in our daily lives.

Aside from the embarrassment of a pungent nervous fart we are finding an increase in IBS and digestion issues, insomnia and mental health due to problematic fears created in the work we now do – as far away as you could get from Sabre toothed tigers!

ID Sessions

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Having personally been through an extensive learning journey over the past 2 years it’s time to share some lessons and experience of what works.

I’m guessing that you have been wondering what on earth;

Intuitive Design Sessions is?

I have created a community organisation to address the challenges we face in modern society. With the support of a community you will be able to share your experience, give and receive advice through events and workshops.

I am especially passionate about this work as I have found this type of environment to be useful in times of change. You can offer support and learn how to trust your intuition to create positive change in your own life and ultimately your community.

I am a firm believer in Personal Leadership – helping yourself will allow you to serve others around you with greater impact. If you can model the behaviour for greater health and success to your community they will rise with you – what better purpose could you ask for than to help your community around you to be the best they can be..?

If you would like to join an awsome community of positive people there are a number of ways to get in touch;

– Join/like the Facebook group
– Subscribe to this blog
– DM me on Facebook

Now all you need to do share with some friends and watch out for some simply inspiring and unique events in the New Year!

Thank you all once again for taking some time out to read my words. I love to hear your feedback as always.

Lead On,

Hayley

2 Minds

Posted on September 30, 2018 by chasingthesuneast

1. COMPETENCES PERSONNELLES As we go about our day to day lives we are sometimes found in moments of pure joy and complete bliss, or on the flip side in a state of panic, frustration or genrally feeling out of control.

Giving it Thought

When asked to reflect on a time when I felt most out of control, I realised that I was going through moments of panic and frustration and those moments were intense and occurred more frequently than I liked!

Some elements of my life were controlled, for example; I brushed my teeth twice a day, I went to work on time and I completed exercise classes on schedule. The times when I lacked control came from mainly emotional reactions and feeling sad or mad at someone or something.

How could this be when everyone knew me up until then as a positive person? I was feeling out of control because I didnt feel myself- which in turn changed my behaviours and I couldn’t easily change them back.

Energy in and Energy out

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Now here’s where the learning happened… “I couldn’t easily change back”. I couldn’t ‘snap’ out of it, I couldn’t think straight and genrally over-reacted more than I liked.

When we are faced with stress or extreme pressure outside of our normal zones we begin to act in a way which is unchatacteristic of our personality traits. When the stress becomes a constant in our lives as does the reactive behaviour and we can feel like a hamster in a wheel.

How do you escape if your life stresses and pressures remain present in day to day life? Surely something’s got to give? For some a breaking point happens and this can be a catalyst for change. For others it is a chance to take stock and do what I call; “The Reverse 180”! If you cant change the outside situations or people – change how you think about it and how much energy you spend thinking about problems, and start spending energy on other- better areas of your life. Areas of your life that deserve attention, nurture and care. Feeding a problem with thoughts can sometimes only make it fatter and more greedy for your precious attention.

The “Comfort” Zone

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Back to my ‘not so easy to change’ comment. Change is one of the hardest human activities to do and to accept. Change challenges us, change makes us feel uncomfortable and when given the opportunity many people turn it down in favour of the comfort zone!

The Comfort Zone- a place where everything is familiar, where we know what to expect and where we go back to for more of the same.

It’s also the place growth ceases to occur and attachment to the norm festers – the norm could be in the form of; weight gain, feelings of self-doubt, complaining, blame, hate, anger, self sabotage! This doesn’t sound like the comfort zone- it’s painful in nature and theres nothing comforting about it.

If what you are searching for comes in the form of; healthy weight, self confidence, positivity, self- responsibility, love, joy, celebrating with others and self care then you need to enter into – the unknown! Into the arena of change which is the most uncomfortable, confronting and challenging place you will ever go- way beyond any pain or hurt experienced previously.

It is not easy when challenged everyday with feelings of grief, hurt, stress, pain, guilt or anxiety to believe that there is a harder more uncomfortable place to be! But there potentially can be, and it comes in the form of personal leadership and mindset training.

Positive Mental Health

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Rewind 11 months and I was about to embark on a transformational 8 week training programme. This was not a training programme as we know from sport and fitness; “Couch to 5K”, no this programme challenged mindset, self awareness and perception of mental health!

The phrase ‘mental health’ portrays negative connotations and its no surprise that pre-course, I precieved myself not needing too much help on this topic. Wrong! There is so much to learn and I only scratched the surface. How about you ask yourself this; if you are willing to pay for a gym memebership or take part in physical exercise for your body, then should we doing the same for our minds?

Since there is an abundance of evidence to prove both the mind and body are interconnected, we require both to be in healthy working order to successfully thrive.

At the beginning of my course I was petrified, I had experienced stress related symptoms living in Australia, now having moved to another new country and now challenging myself on the last area of health that scared me the most; I thought to myself; “give me a marathon any day!”

Safety in Numbers

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As I got to know my group and realised that everyone experiences worry, stress, fear and self-doubt I settled in. This was a place where mistakes were celebrated and reframed as learning opportunities, a place where growth flourished and a place where being out of your mental comfort zone was supported and you could track positive change.

The hardest part about training the mind is the lack of aesthetic results. The toned muscles achieved through exercise or measurements on the scales is proof of change – with this there was no ‘mind mirror’ to see positive growth! The brain is a muscle and we are used to pushing it to fatigue – hence increase in migranes at times of stress as it works overtime to solve our problematic fears! Our brain – like any muscle requires water, rest and nutrition. If we work it too hard like a bicep we experience fatigue- a brain which becomes too tired experiences a build up of waste products and must be treated with care in order to repair, the right nutrition and rest for normal function to support the body.

With our weight training in the gym we can drop the weight when it becomes too heavy. When it comes to our brain we find it challenging to stop thinking and cannot just drop our thoughts! As each week passed on my course I looked forward to each session, just as your muscles gain strength with every gym session my mind became stronger and more aware.

Motivation for Mental Toughness

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If we learn the skills and build up the tools needed for mental toughness we will be able to tackle challenges positively. By learning our mental triggers we can start to control the intensity of our thoughts and how they make us feel and act. My experience allowed me to reflect on my own strengths and strive for sustainable growth in line with my personality.

Through writing this blog, attending more training and hosting my own pilot workshops in the summer – I have jumped outside of my comfort zone again to create a community organisation;

Intuitive Design Sessions

Intuitive Design Sessions is a community based organisation which uses personal leadership for positive change. Making use of your own unique value proposition and intuition you can take on challenges and face change in your work and life.

I will be hosting talks, facilitating group workshops and one to one support.

My first event is Tuesday 9th October – FREE information evening up in Aberdeen ahead of my first programme; “Motivation Mondays”.

Click REGISTER on Eventbrite to grab your ticket and find out more!

Thank you once again for taking the time to read and support a topic which we all know is challenging to talk about but with greater awareness we can help our friends, family and communities!

Lead on,

Hayley

2 Worlds

Posted on September 6, 2018 by chasingthesuneast

I sat and watched in amazement as the Modern Maori Quartet captured the audiences hearts and minds in a spine tingling, inspiring and thought provoking performance. What are these guys, what do they represent and what is their message ?

Just in case you are wondering, no this has not become a performing arts blog but there was certainly a strong message that we can all learn from…

This performance although Kiwi in nature did not take place in New Zealand, it was part of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival line up and we attended having seen these guys in their homeland. A bunch of 4 Maori dudes, musically talented and able to tell a story through music, dance and their own language. The strength of the performance was not just their musical talents but their cultural connections and the interaction with the audience- we were in the palm of their hands!

Stories

Each one of the band members telling a story of love, loss, regret and fear. Each one telling the tale using a prologue that you couldn’t help but relate to. Each one showing the flaws of their personality and the lessons learned. Each one showing that strength and truth is the path to contentment and happiness.

Fast forward a few weeks from the summer holidays to going back to work as a PE teacher. To most teachers this was perfectly normal after 6 weeks off, for me a little different. I was returning from a 2 year secondment…

The question on everyone’s lips;

“How is it being back?”

To this I reply;

“It’s great!”

On occasion this has been met with a confused look or even challenged, that it can’t possibly be after teaching in New Zealand and Australia!?

Green Grass…

Just as many of you will know what it’s like returning home after your first year at uni, the same feelings have occurred as I return to my work in Scotland. I returned to a lovely warm welcome, I realised I had taken for granted the little things and home isn’t as bad as you claim in moments of frustration!

I can easily say that the time spent teaching abroad has had an incredible and positive influence on my life and profession. I have so much to thank my fellow Kiwi colleagues and friends for during the time spent teaching and developing programmes over there. Equally it is exciting to come home with ideas and programmes to try out in our curriculum and wider approaches to life.

We may often find ourselves wishing ourselves in a different work or life situation in challenging moments. From my experience I can say that as beautiful and different as New Zealand was there were still people who faced frustrations with admin jobs, stresses at home and work and young people who;

“Don’t know how lucky they are! “

It is our default setting to think that the grass is greener…well the grass is greener because NZ is volcanic but what I’m saying is that, it’s easy to think that it’s way better out there or somewhere else away from our own frustrations and fears. A lesson learned from time abroad; that Scotland is seen as a beautiful and friendly country and its education system is held in high esteem internationally. I had Kiwis tell me that I’m the lucky one and they would love to live in my homeland!

Pride and perspective

The very things that they thought were better in Scotland reminded me of how lucky we are, but find it difficult when the media capitalise on telling us we are doomed! Things like the history, the views – like the one above (yes that’s Scotland), the culture and people, our NHS, affordable food, help to buy schemes, free school meals and support for struggling families, national programmes for our young people, priorities for new born babies and parental leave, business start up grants and free advice, free public schools, colleges and universities! We are still among only a handful of counties in the world to place such an importance on education for all.

Education in NZ places priority on a number of different factors; culture, arts and sport to name a few! I was lucky enough to have the chance to work with the school Kapa Haka group- a rich and insightful experience. Outside of work there were opportunities to learn and collaborate with some incredible entrepreneurs, highlighting my motivations to work. No matter what your profession or passion as long as you feel you can contribute to a cause bigger than yourself in an area you care about you will be successful. There are too many successful people who did this and followed their true calling for this not to be the case.

Positive passion

Culture and belonging are the key to a happy social and emotional life and living in NZ helped prove the importance of this. Some of the learners were able to make cultural connections while in the classroom and were able to gain belonging at the school Marae. I thought to myself that this is so important, relevant in their lives and important in my culture too. It only took attending a Ceilidh at the weekend to fully cement this !

Bridge of Don Academy to Whangaparaoa college and back – 2 very different environments. Both worlds apart from the outside and you would judge them based on a number of criteria, but as far as I can see powered by purpose and passion. As long as both remain rich in opportunities there is a place for young people to grow and develop.

The message from the Maori Quartet centred around being true to yourself, your motivations and the important things you can look after in your life. Without making this a full on gratitude journal I have to say that a little bit of perspective, getting outside the bubble and seeing life on the other side helps to cement what’s truly important to a fulfilled life.

Lead on,

Hayley 😊

Ode to the Land of the Long White Cloud – Aotearoa, New Zealand

Posted on July 8, 2018 by chasingthesuneast

The Maori people saw a long white cloud on their approach from the sea and ‘Aotearoa’ was fondly named.

A land where beauty is so common, your eyes become accustomed to the intense green of the vegetation and contrasting blue of the sea and the sky. A land where the people have a deep sense of self, community culture and are not afraid to be themselves! A land once visited, you will forever carry a piece of it in your heart and your mind. To experience living in New Zealand has had a profound and lasting impact on my life and work and here is why…

In this blog we will take a look at the Kiwi way, preventing burnout and what we can learn from forward thinking programmes. I want to delve deeper into the solutions and what I can offer from my experience…. read on to find out what I have in store for you- the loyal blog follower and how you can help make a difference!

But first, let’s look at the workplace in a secondary school north of Auckland. I was well aware of the restorative approach to teaching having completed a placement in NZ in 2010, but 7 years on it was proven that Kiwi’s don’t like to be stagnant in their practice.

Lessons from Kiwi kids and teachers.

On starting work as a teacher of PE and Health I was excited and arrived with an open mind. Little did I know, ‘open-minded’ meant – forget all perceptions of classroom and behaviour management and refresh! Seriously, I had to start over… It was relationships over task, relationships over workload, relationships over logistics- relationships trumped absolutely everything! Everything! This took me a number of weeks to understand and grasp. I discovered that I had to build and maintain genuine relationships with all learners. Relationships that weren’t based on manipulation, scaremongering, or persuasion that I had previously been prone to using in order to get ahead. Kiwi kids really did not respond to displays of frustration, displeasure, disappointment and certainly not to shouting as explained in an earlier blog on the Ego.

It was the complete and genuine relationship building (that took weeks even months) that calmed my teaching down. I went from constantly; bossing, managing, dictating, shouting and screaming orders to; stepping back, facilitating, coaching and mentoring! It feels so natural to teach in this way and my ‘bite rate’ significantly reduced. The amount of times I would negatively frame behaviours reduced, in line with my ability to not sweat the small stuff. It goes without saying that I still maintained boundaries and safe teaching practices but had no need to prioritise how I felt over what was right to do in the moment.

Thanks goes to…

So for all of this learning firstly, I am recognising the Kiwi kids for their sturdy righteousness! They were the ones to prioritise a strong student/teacher relationship to allow the rest to naturally follow. Secondly, I learned a lot from my fellow PE staff who were all Kiwi’s themselves and were naturals at leading kids holistically. At times I witnessed pure genius in action as they gained positive results for even the most difficult of learners! And finally for the true delivery of holistic teaching- my thanks goes to the Maori teacher who embodied the principles in practice. With such ease and grace he guided learners by showing the true definition of what it means to be culturally responsive. He gave meaning, purpose and value through his pedagogy, cultivating true leadership in learning.

As a result of this philosophy my energy levels when teaching increased, my mood on a Sunday evening and at the beginning of the day improved. My ability to control feelings of anger, rage, disgust and frustration all altered as well as levels of physical and mental health.

Sustainable energy consumption.

As I reflect on this experience I realise that I have learned how to enjoy teaching without sacrificing my physical and mental health. I know that this is a totally new concept as many of us see stressed and overworked teachers all around us. I may also not be the only one who thought to myself (in an exhausted state);

“It’s the nature of the job, teachers all around me feel the same so I must be doing a good job..?”

I also realise how important it is to understand your body and mind to understand stress management. Just because everyone else is suffering from poor health does not make it ok, it means we have to do something about it before more people leave the profession or worse become sick!

Previous to leaving Scotland for a career break to teach abroad I was completing a number of roles across school and doing contract work also. I applied a lot of energy to these roles and had very little down time. This in hindsight was a one way route to burn out!

I only realised through teaching in New Zealand that there is a more sustainable way of working. The Kiwi way is smart yet still yields the same if not better results for staff and pupils, because there is an emphasis on prioritising health.

Avoiding burnout.

Burnout can be short term or long term in its effect and may even come under the disguise of end of term cold/flu, to full on physical or mental illness. There are a number of ways to proactively combat these effects and rethink priorities for positive stress management. Lots of us see the end of term finish line, or in other industries, making it to the next bank holiday or annual leave. This can mean that we apply an attitude of;

“Work now – rest later…”

We sometimes forget the small things, like taking a break or stopping and sitting down for lunch (at your desk doesn’t count)!

The mindset in which we approach our work, any work in any sector can determine our levels of stress. Individuals who find that they respond to pressure of deadlines may also find they get caught juggling many projects until the sprint at the very end to get everything done at once. This can result in you not completing your best work and neglecting other areas of responsibility- again I am speaking from personal experience – guilty as the list queen but never completing a single list!

By learning some new techniques such as; “mono-tasking” rather than muti-tasking we stay focused and feel accomplished at the end of the day. If that doesn’t work for you then you might try the ‘3×3’ approach. You write down only 3 things on a list, only once you complete all 3 can you add 3 more! This way we become better at prioritising, make clearer decisions and don’t get overwhelmed with huge long to do lists.

It’s very easy in theory to read about these simple changes but how can we truly make sure we don’t get bogged down? You can be pro-active by taking stock and asking yourself;

“What importance do I place on my health?”

Yes, I am asking about all areas – as uncomfortable as it may feel give yourself a score out of 10 for;

Physical
Mental
Emotional and
Social health

There are days when you can be a 9 out of 10, others when you feel like a 2. What’s important is that we recognise there is a scale. As long as you move up and down within reason, then your mind and body are working together. If however, you are stuck at the one spot for a prolonged period of time (especially at the lower end) then it can be a sign to ask for help and support.

As we are looking at health management and approaches to positive mindset we must recognise the influence of previous experience…

If you have experienced stress before, which I am sure you have in one form or another…how did you view it? Did you straight away think this is bad, feeling stressed is uncomfortable and I don’t like it? I know that I felt stress and worked hard to ignore it or tried to out-run it somehow! Madness, when I know now it always catches up on you! From the lessons learned in the ‘M’ Word Blog, I realised that the presence of Adrenaline – a stress hormone, we can perform at our peak and use the energy created from the “stressful” feelings to produce some of our best work.

Inspired to create change.

When I saw, heard or felt stress I automatically attached a negative label to it. Through my work completed over the past 2 years I have experienced both the negative and positive effects. As I took on new roles my passion for learning more about this topic has grown. Living in New Zealand has inspired me to further my experience in the field of Personal Leadership and healthy mindset. This is why I have decided to run a pilot project on my return to Scotland in the summer!

This is where YOU come in! Thank you so much if you are still reading – it’s time for me to give back….

I want to learn and share human experiences around mindset and personal leadership. This project will be in the form of a community workshop and will look at personal leadership hacks to combat burnout. It will be collaborative and make use of design thinking techniques fresh out of New Zealand as well as a place to share all of your own valuable experience. Although much of my content has been based on teaching, this workshop is for everyone of any; age, gender, ability, employment status or education. An altered relationship with your health and mindset will not only help you at work but in other areas of your life too!

If you are interested please click the link and apply for a place on the project. I would love to hear from people from all walks of life, passions and interests – your input is invaluable! More details will be sent out via email when you sign up. If location is an issue or you have any questions please get in touch with me personally or by clicking here.

Thank you once again for your interest in the content of the blog and sharing ideas and feedback. Little did I know that a travel blog would turn into a space for sharing personal and professional learning with over 3,500 views! I am truly humbled and grateful for the support. I have been inspired and empowered to take all I have learned to benefit those around me.

Take Care,

Hayley

To Those Who Have the Power to Change and Lead the Way…

Posted on June 18, 2018 by chasingthesuneast

Thank you to everyone who read part one and welcome to part two. As promised this blog will continue with lessons learned from challenges faced, and opportunities that have followed. I will uncover personal development programmes, perceptions and priorities for mental health. There are a number of links to great work so get ready for a full line of open tabs!

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One of those lessons looked at how we perceive stress. We are at times a glutton for punishment and enjoy telling others how stressed we are (which I have been guilty of). To this problem we were posed with the statement;

“Where the focus goes the energy flows.”

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Well-being and work/life balance are key components in stress management. The ability to expend energy, recharge and de-stress before expending further effort is challenging. I was very good at spending energy and previously had put job satisfaction and achievements down to the amount of energy spent instead of recognising the influence other factors had on success. There are other prerequisites to success- once you learn the skills necessary to perform your job you can start to recognise your own talents and skills which have a greater influence than we like to admit…

This is where I introduce the first game changer, the incredible Briony Mackenzie. Briony has her own personal coaching business – Untapped. She is based in New Zealand but reaches clients far and wide due to her ingenious online business model. She challenges the norm and takes on the role of the mentor you never knew you needed!

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On completing an eight week transformational personal development and mindset course, I was able to define more clearly the positive aspects of my work and life and areas which were holding me back. Big learning happened a few weeks into the course when we were asked to interview 3 people in our life and identify our key strengths and weaknesses. We uncovered the ugly truths of our personalities, limiting beiliefs and positive ways to become better leaders. With Briony’s skills and experience we looked at how to live purposfully and how to create goals in line with personal values.

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Briony was such an inspiration as a coach, having left her full time profession as a lawyer to pursue her passion of helping others through personal development. Briony has helped me and so many individuals reach higher levels of awareness and insight, at 24 she has also led the way as a young entrepreneur. She has reached out to a broad spectrum of audiences, coached individuals, groups and challenges the norm of employment in modern society. From designing her own website to challenging us to reach our professional and personal potential she epitomises courage and creativity. Thank you, you will never know the power of your actions as they are so far reaching and bigger than all of us!

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So what led to the decision to embark on an 8 week personal development course when life and work in NZ seemed to be in balance, and I had left behind stress caused earlier in the year…?

Every cloud really does have a silver lining and with each challenge comes an opportunity… I found a course in Melbourne that would challenge my understanding of health, self perception and ignite my interest in self development. Joining a diverse group of people we were guided through a level 1 Reiki qualification.

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Reiki is an ancient Japanese method of healing used on the self and others to cultivate and channel energy.

This 2 day course was led by Lee from Sacred not Scared. She was a very knowledgeable and intuitive leader with incredible insight and power to tap into energy. Lee like Briony, left her corporate job, along with a six figure salary to embark on her own venture – starting up her own business and helping to heal with her incredible abilities.

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The course was much more than learning about an ancient art, as it highlighted the importance of prioritising your own health and the impact it has on those around you. We normally wait until we feel truly awful to ask for help or wait for someone to reach out. Just like signing up to a personal trainer to maintain or improve physical fitness, we need to do the same for our mental and emotional health. The development of a healthy mind starts with adopting healthy habits to live by.

Using this new found knowledge of working on the mind in the same way I did my body I tried something totally new…meditation!

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When I thought of meditating, like many people – a picture of a Buddha dressed in orange, floating with crossed legs popped into my head…after trying it for 10 mins over 10 consecutive days, I was proven very wrong! I use the app Headspace usually in the morning for guided meditation before work. This was the first time I had attempted such a routine based on non-physical workout and I would not be able to see the external gains in a tangible form by looking in the mirror.

I will not lie it is very difficult to meditate at the beginning and I was so easily distracted and more often than not fell asleep! I learned that meditation can bring any residual tiredness to the surface making it hard to stay awake. After 2-3 weeks of meditation sleep apnea I started to notice a change in attention span and ability to control elements of my thoughts. This is just the beginning of finding the benefits and now 18 months in have learned we cannot be perfect when it comes to managing our thoughts, and shouldn’t have the expectation to ever completely control everything in our mind.

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Taking time to switch off and be mindful can seem easy to understand as a concept but harder to put into practice. Technology can hinder us in rest, but as seen with meditation it also can help. The Forest App once activated will display an image of a seed so long as you don’t touch your screen – it will grow into a tree. It can promote good habits for screen use, becoming present and making the most of your down time.

Now all of these techniques and courses are very good at growing awareness and mindfulness. And as you can suspect there is a ‘but’ coming…they cannot fully treat an issue at the core, but can ease symptoms of certain niggling thoughts and feelings.

I am quoting a very talented and forward thinking lady from closer to home, Miss Kirsy Giles an experienced and qualified Cognitive Behavioural Therapist. She advocates treating issues at the source through world leading techniques and has had success in many areas of her career.

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Kirsty provided me with valuable advice as mentioned in the M word. She helped uncover the root of stress and changes in mental health; from this experience I learned that I had let stress rule me, my thoughts and experiences. If you do feel this way – you are not alone (make contact with someone or click the link below) and to justify our feelings often find ourselves saying;

“I’m fine” or,

“There are people worse off than me!”.

There are a number of people who will find that mental health to them is something they think about but dont act upon. Others recognise and maintain their physical and mental health through a range of healthy rituals. And for some – life can be dictated by mental health, and the constant struggle to maintain control can become exhausting. This is where the influence of professionally trained individuals can make a significant difference through interventions to reach positive solutions.

Again, if you are reading this and feel you need a helping hand or want to help someone you know. Speak to someone you trust, reach out, offer support. That may be a phone call with someone like Kirsty or another professional too see what options suit you or your situation best. There is no shame in asking for help as it is always ok not to be ok! Choose an option that will work for you as there is a range of professional therapies. Just as you would seek help for a broken bone, have someone help you if you are just not feeling yourself and you never know it may help you in many areas of your life.

If you have received support in the past, reach out to show others that isolation damages health further, and working through tough times with professional help and support is an investment now and for the future. Take time to find out how your family really are and have open and honest conversations about your physical and mental health. One small step, such as a message to someone to show or ask for support can be the boost needed. Dont wait, now is the time to show genuine acts of courage, I did and others are reaching out because I took the first step to greater acceptance!

I want to thank you once again for taking the time to read this blog piece and many others. The support for each topic has been overwhelming and I feel very lucky to share my learnings on this platform. If anyone wants to get in touch please feel free to message, I really love hearing all forms of feedback.

Peace Hayley

The ‘M’ Word

Posted on May 8, 2018 by chasingthesuneast

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We navigate our way through life, facing a number of challenges – some well within our control and others, outwith any means of control or reasoning. We worry about problematic fears; the what ifs, should haves and could have thoughts. Lots of energy can be channeled into protecting ourselves against the negatives, but how much is too much worry and what does that do to our health and those around us?

In this 2 part blog I will take a look at our mental well-being, mindfulness, challenges we face and lessons learned from living and working abroad. Part 1 aims to discuss our mental health and factors affecting stress. This blog is for everyone; the teachers, expats, health care professionals, self-employed, engineers, farmers, family and friends. Please note my intention is not to step on any toes, I am taking this opportunity to discuss a very delicate issue that we all face. I have reflected on personal experience to open up and show that it is always ok, not to be ok… I would welcome honest feedback on this one and feel free to comment and give personal opinions or experiences.

Mental Health (let’s talk about it and recognise we all have it).

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The good thing is that, this is the greatest and most opportunistic time for discussing and acting upon our mental health.

Only a matter of years ago mental health and other non physical well being factors were swept under the rug. Now we are having conversations in our communities and seeing awareness build in the media. There should be no shame in admitting to struggles with our mental health. It should be just as straightforward as a conversation about our bad backs…

Chemicals Everywhere (primitive brains explained at a Leadership workshop).

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We are ruled by chemicals, and they are designed for our very survival in sometimes extreme or hostile environments. In modern day reality, we live in safe comfortable homes far from sabre toothed tigers and life threatening decisions.

These chemicals hold so much power over us that a lot of our behaviour and many relationships are created and shaped in their presence.

Let’s take a look at 4 of them;

Adrenaline

Adrenaline is our safety chemical, the fight or flight response can be initiated in the presence of adrenaline and its buddy cortisol. This curses through our bloodstream when we predict or sense danger. Now, in our everyday lives we do not experience life or death scenarios as much as our ancestors did and therefore we don’t have to physically move, fight or prepare for battle. What we’re left with is an oversupply of stress hormone in our bodies because of problematic dangers experienced through interaction with problems and nowhere to channel our adrenaline.

Serotonin

Serotonin keeps us alive by searching for significance. This chemical is responsible for feelings of pride and status. Everything that we do is in search of a little or a lot of serotonin and can lead to great acts of kindness as a trade off for a hit. This is a positive chemical present in strong communities and teams allowing people to help others, create trust and contribute whilst in quest of their own belonging.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin is the one we rely on for creating connection, human connection specifically. This chemical is released through human proximity and promotes survival as part of a pack rather than individually. You will see truly great leaders adapt to their situation with grace as they adopt behaviours of the group to allow for greater connection. Humans are social animals and require this chemical for self preservation and survival of the race as without it we couldn’t reproduce and sustain strong bonds with others.

Dopamine

Dopamine provides us with the need for growth and development. Dopamine is a reward chemical, it is highly addictive and can be toxic if released too often. Generations ago this chemical allowed us to continue to hunt and forage as we received a hit when we picked a berry or 2 and had the motivation to carry on and collect enough for the family. Now, we are seeing a dopamine epidemic as tech companies manipulate our brains – rewarding us for posting pictures that recieve x amount of likes or gaining points on a game or streaks on snapchat. The brain does not rationalise the behaviours that lead to the release of dopamine and this is especially dangerous for young people whose brains have not yet fully developed.

Stress, the silent creeper (experience as a cover teacher in Melbourne).

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As someone who grew up with huge amounts of oxytocin and serotonin from my immediate family and community, a change in environment and work brought about a change in chemicals. My behaviours and responses acted in an unnatural way and I experienced unfavorable conditions in my work. I knew that something was not right when I felt an increase in negative thoughts and at times felt out of control of my mood. The increase of adrenaline and dopamine created the perfect conditions for stress to thrive.

The presence of adrenaline is experienced throughout life. This can be extremely useful in sporting performances, presentations and acts such as childbirth… but since I was doing none of the above I started to experience the adverse effects of stress.

The following can be experienced during presence of unwanted stress; mood change, eczema, feeling low or flat, apatite change, fatigue, insomnia, restlessness, impatience, loss of memory or sense of humor.

Now, I’m no doctor and not claiming to give medical advice but speaking from personal experience I know how I felt a mix of the effects listed above. **

My experience led to physically shaking when trying to sleep at night. I felt tired most of the time and struggled more than ever to just switch off!

I was personally ashamed to admit that stress had got the better of me. My perception of travelling to Melbourne to work had not been met by reality and it took those closest to me to help prioritise what mattered the most. Too many times I thought; “It’s just a bad day” and too many times, pride stood in the way and admitting to a failed plan seemed unthinkable.

** if you are reading this and nodding your head and may be feeling the same or know someone who is, this is an opportunity to talk to someone you trust and reach out. It can start with; “I just don’t feel myself”, or offer to help and chat. Usually a hug is a great place to start as oxytocin will release and help calm those adrenaline filled nerves. Isolation is what stress wants but not what a person needs to dispel the effects.

This cycle was explained to me by a professional who knows first hand the effect of stress if left untreated;

“By not speaking out, we stay in the same cycle of pain and we then damage others around us and we get confused and even more stressed when they don’t seem to understand us. It’s a cycle that continues if not altered.”

Admitting defeat and moving on (the famous pros & cons list).

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There came a day when we chose to prioritise our health ahead of our jobs and on that day we drew up a pros and cons list… That list was quite revealing in it’s contents, so we cut our losses and set new goals to work in New Zealand!

When personal health and well-being becomes affected its time to change the environment that led to stress if factors which cause the stress cannot be altered.

It sounds like a rash decision but our deciding factors allowed us to recognise the importance of environment and priorities.

Dr Rangan Chatterjee a GP, BBC tv presenter, researcher and author calls upon his studies to share that 10% of our health outcome is due to our genes and 90% is down to environment and the way we choose to live. When patients are asked about prioritising health, the most widely used excuse;

“There just isn’t enough time!”

Well, unfortunately the reality of neglecting the self has become a huge cost, both economically and for our health services. Looking after yourself starts at the top – you guessed it… mental well-being. During mental health week 1 in 6 adults in the UK had experienced a mental health issue from;

“Pressures of living in the 21st century.”

I had felt pressure before, in fact had dealt and managed greater pressures previously. I had not however, dealt with stress in the absence of hobbies and community support. Taking some down time with those you care about the most is the greatest stress reliever and nothing else can come close….especially not technology.

Downtime with loved ones releases healthy amounts of dopamine, especially when enjoying a role within your community. But if the act of gaining dopamine is paired with technology, our cravings for much needed validation are met in a very different way.

I experienced these feelings personally as a recovering instagram addict; editing, captioning, hash-tagging, posting, checking for likes, checking again, reading comments and so on it went! This was especially prevalent during times of increased stress… I am well aware that many businesses make use of social media to reach customers – especially individuals who are self-employed and don’t have marketing budgets. If we are not concerned with making money, then we should treat smartphone use as exactly that….a treat, enjoyed in moderation.(whole thesis could be written on this topic!!)

The right mix (switching off & filling up).

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Having deleted my personal Instagram account 10 months ago along with others, I have got used to enjoying free time in the absence of technology. Other people have a good relationship with social media and healthy usage, but the ease at which we can access information can become a time consuming and vicious cycle in my experience.

Switching off allows the chemicals to balance out and promotes a rich mix of serotonin and oxytocin. We have found a love for capturing experiences on the camera again, read way more and down time is meaningful.

Everyone has their “freedom activity” that they love to do. Having an escape, a passion and time to fill up your cup is essential. Learning about the factors which prevent unnecessary stress has been a huge eye opener. Living in New Zealand provided us with incredible opportunities for personal growth and it is just the beginning. There are a number of people who have shared their valuable knowledge with us from home & NZ and part 2 will recognise their contribution.

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Until then;

If you have not already seen the fabulous Ruby Wax raise awareness about this topic, her TED Talk is well worth the watch!

And make time to enjoy something that fills up your energy reserves or help someone else to recharge their battery.

Thank you very much for reading, please feel free to pass on this blog or get in touch and most importantly talk about how you are doing mentally not just physically.

Peace, Hayley